


If I Fell

by themodette



Category: The Beatles
Genre: F/M, Literature, Romance, fan fiction
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-16
Updated: 2015-09-16
Packaged: 2018-02-14 10:19:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 21,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2188080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themodette/pseuds/themodette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A shy girl in 1961 Liverpool meets John Lennon and Paul McCartney on a street corner. She is drawn to both boys, and the excitement and colour they bring to her life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first piece of Beatles fic.  Ellie is me obviously heehee!  Hope you enjoy.  

_Basically in this history of the Beatles, John isn't with Cyn.  (I love you really Cyn)._

Liverpool, 1961.

I lay in my warm bed, curling my toes around the water bottle my mum had given me the previous night, and one thought was running around in my head; “I don't want to get up”. It was December, and I didn't relish leaving my bed and having to get washed and dressed in the cold. However, I had no choice, as I had to go to work.  Scrambling out of bed I fished my housecoat off the back of my door and wrapped myself in it.  I opened my bedroom door and could hear my parents already in the kitchen talking and getting breakfast.  I debated whether I should wait a while as our kitchen was tiny, and it wasn't fun trying to negotiate around it.  My stomach rumbled though, and that was enough. I tottered down the stairs. Goodness, even the stair carpet felt cold this morning!  Mum was making tea as I walked in.  “Tea love?” she offered.  I nodded smiling and leant against the cooker. “Thanks for the water bottle last night Mum, it made a difference.” I said.  Mum grinned and ladled two heaped teaspoons of sugar into my tea and handed it to me.  “Not a problem love, we'll all need them.  This cold is a devil to keep out”, she replied, nodding towards the frost on the small window.  Dad stood up, finishing his toast “Well just don't spend a fortune, Christmas is coming and it's not cheap is it?”.  Mum nodded and I grabbed a piece of toast as I was behind.  

We lived on Beaconsfield Road in Woolton, a small terraced house but comfortable.  I had to catch my bus to work from Booker Avenue which was a 10 - 15 minute walk and today I was walking particularly fast to keep my feet from freezing.  I always paused though, at the gates of Strawberry Field, it was a Salvation Army home for orphaned kids.  I just loved the gates – all elaborate swirls of red.  In the grey light of December, they stood out even more, injecting some colour.  I hurried on as I noticed the time getting on. To get to the bus stop I had to cross Menlove Avenue, and there was little traffic so I crossed easily.  As I made my way across Menlove, I could see a young lad ahead of me, in dark gear.  Well, it looked dark – black drainpipes, black winkle pickers.  He had a guitar over his back, and was walking – well I say walking, it was more swaggering down Yewtree Road.  I walked behind him all the way and then he turned off into Mather Avenue.  I walked past, glancing at him as I carried onto my bus stop.  He cut an interesting figure I must admit.  I found myself wondering what he looked like from the front!

Little did I know I would run into him again that evening.  I got off at the same bus stop on and started the walk up Yewtree.  On the corner were two lads, they were laughing and smoking.  One had his back to me as he talked to the other boy, who had enormous hazel eyes, they were quite stunning.  He had a perfect mouth as well, and his hair was brushed forward over his forehead!  I'd never seen this hairstyle before.  He had a black jacket, black jumper and jeans on.  “Cute!” I thought, as I got closer.  He saw me, and moved out a little so he could see me, “Alright love?” he asked with a grin.  The other lad stayed with his back to me, and I then recognised him as the one from this morning, guitar and all.  And he was lovely, I felt quite embarrassed as I slowly stopped by them.  “Yes I'm fine thanks” I replied. “Paul”.  The boy with the big eyes offered me his hand and I shook it, reacting to his cold hand.  “God aren't you both freezing out here?!” I asked.  Paul just smiled and motioned to his ciggie.  “Not allowed to smoke at home!"  I grinned back and turned to the other lad.  He had a striking aquiline nose and almond shaped brown eyes.  He looked down at me, with a stare that made me want to be swallowed through the pavement.  “What's... your name?” I nervously asked.  He blew out some smoke.  “John.  Who wants to know?” he said curtly.  Oh God, this boy was hard work.  “I'm Ellie” I said quietly.  “Ellie?” asked Paul brightly.  “Pretty name sweetheart!”.  I smiled gratefully at him, he was definitely the friendlier of the two.   “Well nice to meet you both, might see you around” I said and turned and began to leave.  A hand took my forearm stopping me.  It was John!  “No love, Macca and I will walk you.  It's getting dark.  Where do you live?” he asked.  I told him Beaconsfield Road and the three of us began walking – myself in the middle, John and Paul either side of me.  Any hopes I had of John  making any more conservation seemed to dissipate, as Paul was the one who seemed interested.  “Do you have any brothers and sisters?” he asked. “One of each, an older sister and a younger brother.  My sister is married and lives in Hoylake.” I told him.  “What music are you into?” John asked quietly.  I looked up at him, surprised he'd found his voice.  “Erm, I like jazz, but mainly rock and roll – Elvis is fantastic!” I said.  John looked down and gave me a half smile which made my stomach flutter.  So that was his passion, I should have known really by the guitar.  “So you play guitar John?”.  He looked at me.  “No it's to help my bad back!” he scoffed.  Oh God.  I seemed to be digging a deep hole with him.  I think though he regretted his sarcasm as he then spoke again, “Yes, yes Ellie I play guitar. Feel my fingers”.  He held out the hand holding the cigarette and I reached out and ran my fingertip over his.  They were all hard and calloused.  “Yes, that's enough proof” I replied.  I looked ahead of me as I walked but I could see John looking at me out of the corner of my eye.  I shivered, and Paul slipped his arm through mine and began to rub it.  “Cold?  This'll help”.  Thank God for Paul I thought.  John was a hard nut to crack, and ironically he was the one I wanted to know better.  

I heard a tut and John began to walk slightly ahead of us.  “Is he alright?” I asked Paul.  “He's fine, just stuck on a song we've been writing.  Makes him crabby”.  This impressed me, Paul looked very young to be writing songs.  “You and John write songs?  How old are you Paul?” I asked.  “I'm 19, John's 21” he replied.  We caught up with John as he waited to cross Menlove Avenue.  “You can go home if you want John, I'll walk with her.” said Paul once we safely crossed.  “No you're alright Paul, I don't mind a walk.” said John.  I half wondered why he wanted to come, he seemed really cheesed off. Paul had now taken my hands and was rubbing those warm, he was quite sweet. “How old are you Ellie?” he said as he blew sporadically on my hands.  “I'm 20” I answered.  Before Paul could reply, John shot me a question - “What do you do?”  I smiled at Paul and took my hands away from him, shoving them in my coat pockets.  “I work in a chemist's, a dispenser.  Not exciting at all but it's a wage."  John nodded.  He then moved closer to me.  “I, well Paul AND me, we have a band, well it's mine really, the Beatles”, he volunteered.  I saw a change in him, a look of pride took over his face. I smiled at this.  “Really?  That's brilliant, do you get many gigs?” I asked.  Paul looked incredulous “Have you never 'eard of us?  THE Beatles!  We were in Hamburg this summer, they couldn't get enough of us!"  I laughed, slightly embarrassed by my lack of knowledge.  “You should come and see us, what d'ya reckon John?” he asked.  John nodded “Yeah, you should Ellie, you'd have fun.”.  My face was red from the cold already but the thought of spending more time with these boys made my stomach flutter.  As we neared my house I started to feel disappointed as our first meeting was coming to an end.  John had also paused at Strawberry Field like I had this morning, and told me that he used to play in there as a young boy.  It was nice to feel something in common with him.  “Well, this is where I live” I slowly stopped walking as we got to my house.  “Thank you boys, it was kind of you to see me back”, I said.  Paul put his arms around me and gave me a squeeze, he smelt of pomade, aftershave and cigarettes – not unpleasant strangely.  “It was a pleasure, great to meet you, Ellie.” I turned to John and thinking he would never hug me I held my hand out.  “Oh right, so I'm not good enough to cuddle is that it?”, John smirked and put his nose in the air pretending to be offended.  As he did so I approached him and wrapped my arms around his middle.  I felt his hands on my back and wanted to melt.  What WAS it about this boy?  

He then patted my head. “I know I'm gorgeous but really Ellie, what will people think?”. I giggled and let him go. “Bye lads.” I said as I opened my gate and waved them off.  John did a goofy face and Paul simply grinned.  I watched them walk down the road and John suddenly ran back to me.  “Hey, we're playing in the city Friday, at the Cavern Club.  It's on Mathew Street.  We're on at half twelve that afternoon, will ya come?”.  That would be tricky, I'd be at work.  “Oh John, I'm not sure I can make it as I'm working, another time”.  John smirked “Ah go on, bunk off!  Live a little, we're worth it” and he winked at me.  He had a ridiculous effect on me... “Ok, I will try.  Maybe see you Friday” I replied.  John grinned, and with a turn of his boot he ran back to Paul and the pair of them began whooping and yelling down Beaconsfield Road.  All through dinner I couldn't get them out of my mind.  As I lay in bed that night I could see them in my head standing on that corner, smoking and chuckling.  They seemed to radiate some kind of aura that pulled you to them.  Paul was pretty gorgeous, and he had been so friendly.  John was aloof and sarcastic, yet he could turn and be sweet in an instant.  I thought that Friday was going to have to be a sick day.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> John and Paul are mentioned in this chapter but not seen - but Chapter 3 will be chock full of them  

For the next two days, I found it difficult to think of anything but John and Paul.  To be honest, I couldn't pinpoint what it was about them, they were not like any boys I'd known before.  Not that I knew a lot of boys, in fact I'd never had a boyfriend, not a proper one anyway.  The sort you'd have in the playground when you were six years old, that you would play kiss chase with.  I was quite shy in my own way, which didn't help matters! This was mainly due to boys not showing a lot of interest in me as I grew up – perhaps because I was quieter than a lot of girls. Living in Liverpool, most girls were confident – not wallflowers like I was. I had never really felt comfortable flirting, I was happier reading a book or listening to records in my bedroom.  I was ridiculously inexperienced, but I had felt okay about not being with anyone.  Now, however, I was daydreaming about these two lads, with their black clothes, and different haircuts. They were so interesting. Particularly John, maybe because of the hard shell he'd presented – he had such a rebellious and “couldn't care less” air to him, contrasted with Paul's happy-go-lucky and warm personality.  I wondered how they'd met and become mates, I was definitely going to ask this on Friday – I'd already decided that I was going to go to the Cavern Club and see them play. I couldn't wait to see them again, it made me a little uneasy that they had such a powerful effect on me when I barely knew them.  

I hardly slept Thursday night for the excitement, mixed with nervousness at sagging off work – I'd never done that before.  I didn't intend to make a habit of it either, but I wasn't going to miss the chance of seeing The Beatles.  After trying fruitlessly to sleep I got up at seven 'o clock and surprised myself when I entered the kitchen to find I was the first up!  That never happened.  I brewed a pot of tea and stood to look out the kitchen window at the frost on the grass.  Butterflies started in my stomach as John's face entered my head, blowing smoke out... Normally I didn't approve of smoking, but it suited John and Paul somehow.  They were challenging all my perceptions of what an attractive boy was.  I was awoken out of my daydream by Mum coming in the kitchen, “Oh Ellie, you ARE up early!  Would you like some toast?” she asked.  I shuffled away from the window and sat down at the table with my cup of tea nodding. Mum busied herself with the grill, and I watched her humming to herself.  She'd been quite a honey in her youth and had had lots of boys interested in her. She hadn't suffered from the shyness I did, and I envied that.  I wished that I had her confidence.  “Mum... how do you know if a boy likes you, or is just being nice?” I asked.  She turned around with a curious look.  “Have you met someone love?”.  I half shrugged, feeling a little embarrassed.  I didn't want to reveal anything about John and Paul, at least not yet.  “Sort of, there's a lad who comes into Timothy White's, collects a prescription for his mum” I lied through my teeth.  I didn't want to lie but I felt if I told her about two lads in leather jackets who smoked she'd not be too thrilled.  “Well love, I always found if a boy is nice to you, he DOES like you.  They don't act nice if they don't, they want you to think they're nice back”, she told me.  I felt a little deflated at this.  Paul had been really friendly but John, who I liked a little more, had been much harder work and not seemed that bothered if I liked him. But admittedly, he had been the one who had invited me to the Cavern.  “So, if a boy acts like he doesn't care much what you think of him, that means he isn't interested?” I asked, hoping for an answer that would put John back in a favourable light. Mum screwed up her nose as she buttered some toast.  “Well not necessarily.  It could mean he hasn't got a good opinion of himself and doesn't think you'd like him.  Or he's shy.  Or he simply isn't that nice a boy.  What's your lad's name?” she finished.  Oh no, what do I say?  “Paul” I blurted out, not really knowing why. Maybe because he'd been kinder to me.  “Paul? Well maybe invite him for tea next time he comes in.”.  I had an image of Paul sitting in our front room, sipping from one of my mum's china cups in his leather, and had to stifle a giggle.   “Maybe, thanks Mum.  Better get ready for work”, I said as I settled my cup down on the table.  

I wanted to make sure I looked as nice as I could so I did my makeup very carefully.  I decided to experiment with my eyeliner, and drew quite thick lines, my eyes seemed to pop out.  I powdered my face as normal, and dug out my block mascara.  I wet the block and gingerly applied it to my lashes.  Didn't like using it that much as it seemed to irritate my eyes but it did look nice, but made a mental note to buy one of the Mascara-matics I'd seen in the chemist. I finished off with a pale pink lipstick.  I felt quite groomed for once, for work we weren't encouraged to wear a lot of make-up.  I had to rummage through my drawer for my tail comb and backcombed my hair, then pinned it up, making sure I used plenty of Suave hairspray.  Nearly choked me but I didn't want to risk my hair falling down.   I decided to go wearing my work clothes, and I put my black dress, pink cardigan and black shoes in a bag – I could change in the Cavern's toilets. Mum had to go to work at the launderette and I waited to hear her leave, as I didn't want her to question what was in my bag.  I slipped out 10 minutes after her, and nearly skipped to the bus stop, I was full of excitement.   Walking down Yewtree Road, it suddenly dawned on me that I'd yet to ring in sick.  “Christ” I thought, “lucky there's a phone box down here”. I carried onto the box and rooted around for some change, and dialled the number.  A voice answered, “Hello Timothy White's, Mr Jackson speaking? ”.  Mr Jackson was my boss, and by all accounts a nice man.  He was in his mid-fifties and enjoyed telling myself and Vera, my fellow dispenser, about his time in the war.  “Hello Mr Jackson, this is Ellie, I'm afraid I won't be in today as I have a cold. I'm so sorry”.  I felt my heart thumping as I told this barefaced lie.  Luckily he was very good about it.  “Not to worry my dear, I need you to be fit as a fiddle when you work.  Get plenty of rest this weekend, and try to come back next week. “  I thanked him, replaced the phone and left the phone box quickly as I saw my bus, the 76 approach.  As I got on I felt such a sense of excitement and nerves, it was quite wonderful. The bus ride itself was about 45 minutes, but I enjoyed it, it gave me chance to think of things to try and say, though I had a sinking feeling I'd make a fool of myself somehow.  The bus swung into North John Street about ten to nine,  I couldn't believe the street name, what a strange coincidence.  Although I'd been to the city centre often with my mum, I don't remember ever coming this way, it was all unfamiliar.  I suddenly felt a pang of anxiety – that I was on my own here.  As I got off the bus, I paused to ask the driver where Mathew Street was.  He motioned back behind us “There love, that little side street, that's it.“  Relief!  I thanked him and made my way off the bus.  I'd planned to go and window shop until about 12, then make my way back.  I peered down Mathew Street, it was a twisty little street and looked very interesting.  I decided to go down it and at least find the Cavern Club so I knew where it was. There were lots of tradesmen watching me as I walked down, they made me feel uneasy as they stared.  I kept my eyes on the buildings and they fell on a colourful red and yellow sign on the side of a building - “CAVERN”. 

There appeared to be a doorman outside already, at this hour.  He was talking to a girl about my age, maybe a bit younger.  She had a short brown bob, and was wearing a school uniform.  “Look love, nobody gets in here before lunchtime alright, you'll just have to wait!” he said with a tone of exasperation.   He readjusted his thick-rimmed glasses and stood in front of the door.  The girl turned away looking crestfallen and put her school bag on the ground using it as a makeshift seat.  She looked freezing, I felt very sorry for her.  “Are you here to see the Beatles?”, I asked as I approached her.  She looked up with excitement, possibly because I used the word “Beatles”.  “Yeah, he won't let me in yet though, I'm bloody cold” she sniffed.  I sat down on the cold ground next to her and rubbed my hands.  “Are you sagging off school to see them?” I asked with a grin.  A dreamy look appeared on her face which was quite funny. “Yeah!  They're amazing! I think I love George!” she cooed.  George?  Must be another group member I thought.  “What about you?” she said.  “Even worse,  I'm sagging off work.  First time ever” I replied.  As I sat surveying the street, watching the men loading vans and standing around smoking –  it struck me it was a side of Liverpool I'd not really seen before.  As nervous as it made me, it excited me too.  The Beatles were opening up a new world to me, and I felt quite eager to leap in.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a long chapter! I messed up with having Paul sing "I Saw Her Standing There" sadly as I'd thought it was written in '61 but it was '62. Oops.. Ah well.  Enjoy  

Over the next hour I learnt that the girl's name was Marie, she was 16 and went to school in Allerton, and had seen the Beatles last month at the Cavern and had fallen in love with them.  “George, I couldn't stop staring at him, he is so good looking...” Marie gushed.  She leant her head back against the brick wall and I laughed as she was obviously daydreaming.  It was nice though, to know I wasn't alone in being “caught” by these boys. “When he sang Do You Want to Know A Secret, he looked at me a few times, fuck I nearly fainted!”.  I wondered what John and Paul sounded like when they sang, I could imagine Paul having a nice voice as he spoke quite well, but John was razor sharp and nasally.  Still, I was looking forward to hearing them both!  Marie shivered in the bitter air and I nudged her. “Don't worry kid, we've not got long to go”.  I then checked my watch, it was only twenty past 10.  Bloody hell.  I then thought there must be somewhere that did coffee.  “I'm going to see if I can get us something hot to drink,” I said and got up from the cold street.  My bottom was numb.  Marie smiled. “That's so kind of you.  I've only got my entry money though”.  I shook my head and said, “Don't worry, I'll get you something, we'll freeze otherwise.”   She nodded and I headed back up Mathew Street.  I then had a thought and approached a man who was having a smoke.  “Scuse me, do you know where I could get coffee from?” I asked.  He looked at me and then nodded.  “Yeah, jus' head left out o' here, walk down till ya come to Lord Street, turn right and carry on to James Street, ya can get coffee from the machine in the station”.  

Finally, somewhere I knew! James Street station was where we left to go and visit my auntie from. Following his directions, I returned with two plastic cups of coffee.  There was now a small blue van outside the Cavern and Marie started waving madly as she saw me.  “They're here!  They're here! George took his guitar inside, oh Ellie he smiled at me!”, she told me.  I laughed, she was so funny.  I gave her a coffee and then it dawned on me that that meant they were ALL here.  I sat back down as my stomach started to get butterflies again, and Marie scooted next to me sipping her coffee.  “Did you see...all of them?” I asked.  This was stupid, I'd been waiting for this for two days and now I was full of nerves again.  “Oh yeah, John and Pete wandered off somewhere else but George and Paul are in there!” she squealed.  Just as she finished speaking Paul and a leaner looking lad came out.  “There's George!” whispered Marie.  George was okay I suppose – he had thick eyebrows and quite good cheekbones.  He and Paul headed to the van and started to carry an amplifier out when Paul noticed me and smiled.  “Ellie!  Hello!  John didn't think you would come along!” and motioned to George to put the amp down and the duo wandered over to me and an opened mouthed Marie. “Hi, Paul.  I couldn't pass up the chance to hear the Beatles play” I replied.  Wow, how intelligent you sound Ellie.  Urgh.  Paul grinned broadly and turned to George. “Ellie this is George, George this is Ellie.  George is our lead guitarist.” I stood up and shook his hand.  I then remembered poor little Marie and looked down at her.  “This is Marie, we met just this morning.  She's a huge fan of you all, especially you George”.  Marie looked dumbfounded and smiled weakly at the two Beatles.  “Are ya?  That's sweet!” said George and broke into a toothy smile. Paul gently touched my forearm.  “You girls can't stay out here, it's freezing.” Marie then told them how she asked if she could come in earlier but had been told no.  George cackled, “Oh that's just Mal, we've had some trouble with fans so he's extra cautious.  Ya can come in though”.  He then offered his hand to Marie and lifted her to her feet, she looked in a daze.  Paul took my hand to my surprise and led me into the club.

 

We went down a winding staircase.  The walls were painted white and condensation trickled down them.  The name “Cavern” was extremely apt!  It was like nothing I'd ever seen before.  We reached the bottom, and ahead of us was a small stage and to our right a little bar.  The ceiling was supported by numerous arches and pillars, and littered around were several little tables and chairs, with an area for dancing in front of the stage.  I looked around at this place, and then back at Paul who was smiling at me. His eyes, God they were something.  “What do you think?”  he asked proudly.  This was definitely his kingdom.  “I didn't realise you'd played in a cellar, it's amazing!” I replied.  Paul nodded and started playing with the collar of his jacket.   “Can I get you a drink?” he motioned to the bar behind us.  I was still cold so declined as I still had my coffee.  Paul asked the barman for a bottle of Coke.  I watched George and Marie, he'd sat her on the edge of the stage and was showing her what I assumed to be some chords, her little face was a picture of bliss!  Paul put his hand on my back.  “Let's go and sit in the dressing room,” and I followed him through a small corridor past the stage. He led me into a very pokey room with just a mirror, small table, rail and small sofa.  I suppose that qualified it as a dressing room!  “Sit yourself down.” Paul told me.  I sat down on the pale blue sofa, just happy to be indoors after that hour outside.  He drank from his bottle of Coke and watched me intently as he did so.  I began to get nervous again, as we were alone together so tried to make conversation.  “So why did John think I wouldn't come?”.  Paul shrugged “Oh something about you being quite prim.  His words mind!  He didn't believe you'd bunk off.”  I didn't know how to take this, but I didn't like the idea of John judging me without knowing me better. A stone settled in my stomach, all the excitement from earlier seemed to be leaving.  “Prim eh?  That's nice of him...” I said quietly.  Paul cocked his head, and walked over and sat next to me.  “That's just John, he talks before his fucking brain kicks in. I don't think you're prim.” he said softly.  I stared at my now cooling coffee, “Thanks, Paul, you're really nice.” I turned and smiled at him.  He smiled back.  Before I knew it he had moved over and started to kiss my neck.  I froze, as I liked John, but John saw me as an uptight madam it seemed, and I couldn't help softly moaning as Paul moved down to my throat.  Jesus, it felt wonderful, I felt everything start to melt.  Paul stopped and took my coffee from me and put it on the floor, then encased me in his arms and continued kissing my neck.  He brought his face close to mine, his lashes were incredible... I wanted him to lean in, and he did.  Oh, my God, I'd never been kissed on the lips before.  I seemed to have no control over my body and felt my arms raise and my hands find themselves in his soft black hair.

 

“Is this a private party Macca?”. Paul stopped kissing me and as he moved away I saw John with another boy in the doorway.  John then saw me, and his mouth opened slightly, his body stiffened.  “Ellie, well well...  Didn't think you'd come today” he said haughtily.  I was embarrassed at being caught like this, but still stinging at him calling me prim.  “Hi John, well I can't always be prim can I?” I retorted.  John shot Paul a murderous look and went back out of the room.  The other boy whistled.  “Nice one Paul, two hours before we're due to play”.  I smoothed down my clothes and excused myself.  I went and found the ladies toilets, wishing I had a peg on my nose.  They were pretty grimy, the owner had tried to brighten them up with pink paint but it didn't work very well.  I went into a cubicle and sat down on the toilet lid.  Jesus Christ, why did this have to happen?  If only Marie and I had stayed outside I'd never have been alone in that room with Paul. I DID like Paul, but I was more interested in John – but that comment had hurt a lot.  Why was I prim, just because I'd said I'd be working?  Maybe Mum was right, that some boys just aren't nice. I felt like I couldn't enjoy my first kiss because John had stormed off.  Sighing, I decided to try and still enjoy myself, so I got changed into my outfit, and immediately felt better, relaxed.  I left the cubicle and washed my hands, looking at my reflection.  Wow, my hair was still pinned up well, that was something.  I pinched my cheeks a little and went back out.  George and Marie were still on the stage talking, she looked to be having the time of her life.  The other boy from before was at the bar drinking, but I didn't feel comfortable introducing myself.  Wandering to the front of the stage, I sat down at the far right listening to George strumming. I knew a little about music from listening to Elvis records, well I knew what sounded good to me – and George appeared to make his guitar sing.  His long fingers deftly changed positions and shapes almost seamlessly, he had Marie captivated.  

 

I heard footsteps and turned to see John and Paul coming in – maybe they'd made up - I hoped so.  John didn't look at me as he passed but Paul did a little thumbs-up sign. For the remainder of the time before the club opened I stayed in the main room with George and Marie. I sat quietly going over what had happened, maybe Paul was just a big flirt? It was very confusing. I really hoped John wouldn't stay angry at me, stupidly I still wanted to try and get to know him. Girls and boys started to pour into the cellar at 12 once the club opened, I didn't think I'd ever seen so much makeup in my life.  Nearly every girl had her face done to perfection, it made me feel pretty inadequate.  Marie finally came over to me when George went backstage and flopped down on the chair next to me.  We had a great spot, just in front of the stage in the middle, I started to feel excited again.  “Ellie, why didn't you tell me you KNEW them?? I couldn't believe it when you told George I was a fan!”, Marie stopped for breath.  I smirked a little “Well it did the trick!  You've spent all morning with him, looks like you're getting on great!”.  Marie giggled, and I told her to save my place.  I made my way over to the bar. It was heaving, the place was packed for this lunchtime gig.  “Can I have two bottles of Coke please?” I asked the barman.  He nodded and opened two bottles.  “That's 2 and 9 please love”.  I paid him and made my way unsteadily back to the stage.  There seemed to be girls everywhere... I counted maybe 8 boys.  A small man walked onto the stage and tapped the microphone.  “Hey kids, welcome to the  Cavern Club!  For your entertainment this cold lunchtime we're proud to present our beloved boys, The Beatles!” - he stepped back and everyone including Marie and I cheered and clapped.  Paul came on stage first followed by George, and the drummer Pete.  John shuffled on last.  Paul stepped up to the mic. “Afternoon folks!  We'd like to start with something fast to get you all dancing..” and he turned and waited for John to signal he was ready.  “ 1 2 3 4!” screamed Paul and this noise exploded throughout the cellar.  I got goosebumps listening to this fantastic sound bouncing around the walls. 

“Well she was just 17  
You know, what I mean.  
And the way she looked, was way beyond compare...  
So how could I dance with another,  
Woah and I saw her standing there...”

Paul caught my eye several times throughout the song, as I jiggled about in my seat, I couldn't stop myself – they were fantastic.  I looked behind me a few times and the whole cellar was full of smiling faces, we all seemed to know we'd stumbled on something special. They had something – their sound, their charisma, it was infectious.  When Paul finished the song Marie and I stood up screaming and clapping, Paul winked at us.  I looked over to John but he looked beyond to the crowd behind. “And now we have our George, who has a secret...” he announced.  Marie grabbed my arm “This is my favourite!” and she began swaying as George began singing.  

“Listen...  
Do you want to know a secret?  
Do you promise not to tell?  
Oh Oh Oh, closer  
Let me whisper in your ear  
Say the words you long to hear...  
I'm in love with you...  
Ooohooohooh..”

As George sang the line “I'm in love with you”, my eyes automatically shifted to John, but he was looking at his frets. I felt stupid because he had been rude about me yet I still liked him.  Marie held onto my arm during the whole of George's song, letting go only to clap like a maniac as he finished.  I liked George, he seemed very down to earth and nice.  Once the applause had died down, Paul stepped up to the mic again, I thought he was going to be singing.  “Our next song is sung by John - Baby It's You”. Paul and George began singing together, their voices were terrific.  Once John began to sing though, I nearly fell off my chair... His voice, John's voice was like magic, it was liked being wrapped up in the softest blanket, it was just RIGHT.  And he looked down at me when he sang “It's not the way you kiss that tears me apart”  

“It's not the way you smile, that touched my heart  
It's not the way you kiss that tears me apart..  
But oh, many many many nights go by...  
I sit alone, at home and I cry over you  
What can I do?  
Can't help myself...  
Cos baby, it's you...

His eyes wandered around the room as he sang but he kept coming back to me.  I felt nervous, happy, scared, excited and downright confused. He looked straight down at me again as he sang “Don't want nobody, nobody... cos baby, it's you...”  My stomach flipped as his eyes bore into mine. I couldn't work him out.  Paul and George sang a couple more songs, and then John sang “Twist and Shout”.  As the opening bars started and he began screaming, I just lost all inhibitions... I dragged Marie up, and she and I laughed with joy as we twirled each other around, throwing our arms up in the air, just having a wonderful time!  The harmonies the three boys sang were like eating a delicious pudding – just perfect, their voices seemed fated to blend together.  I looked up at John as I danced around and he smiled broadly at me whilst singing, it made me feel happy inside.  They finished the song, but we didn't want them to leave, everyone just kept clapping and cheering. They waved at us all a few times and then all went backstage.  I felt exhausted but happy from all the dancing and sat back down with Marie.  “Oh my God, that was bloody fantastic!” I shouted to her.  Marie nodded, wiping her face with her handkerchief and drinking Coke at the same time.  “Actually fucking fantastic!” she laughed.  I had to agree, it was one of the best times I'd ever had. To think I'd be eating my lunch on a bench outside the chemists usually at this time!  We sat catching our breath and watched as most people began to leave, although we noticed a few girls hanging about by the dressing room corridor.  I felt a slight pang of jealousy.

Their drummer Pete came along first, and was surrounded, he seemed to be signing autographs. I watched in shock as several girls shoved bits of paper in his jeans pockets. “What are they doing that for?” I asked Marie.  “Their telephone numbers, it happened last time I was here as well...” she replied.   _I bet that happens to all them_ I thought sadly.  George then made his way through and headed to a red-faced Marie.  “Hey, would you both like to get some lunch with me, I'm starving! “ he laughed.  Marie said yes almost instantly and stood up.  I hesitated, as I wanted to talk to John before I left before I could answer he and Paul came out of the corridor and just like Pete they were swarmed by the girls.  They scribbled autographs for most, then Paul saw us and came over followed by John.  “We're getting some grub then?” he asked George. George nodded “Yeah, I don't know if Ellie's coming though.”  Everyone looked at me.  John then smiled and said, “You will won't you Ellie?”.  It was a real genuine smile that reached his brown eyes.  I nodded, “Yes John”, and the group of us all made our way out into the cool December air.  John, then unexpectedly held his hand out.  I took it.  Neither of us spoke.  


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That John... he can't be worked out. 

The six of us trooped up Mathew Street. George and Marie were at the front, he had his arm around her shoulder whilst Pete and Paul were ahead of us talking and playing the fool, Paul kept jabbing Pete in the back to make him jump. It was a freezing day, but the winter sun shone down on the buildings of Liverpool, it looked beautiful and alive.  That's how this morning had made me feel; alive.  My ears were still ringing from the Cavern, and I had a slight headache but didn't really care, the music had stirred something in me, and now here I was, walking holding hands with John.  He too, looked beautiful in the sunlight, as it sparkled on his auburn hair, in his brown eyes and on his leathers.  He was stunning.  I tickled his palm slightly and he smiled. “Casanova didn't tell you the full story earlier you know,” he said finally breaking the silence.  My ears perked up. “What about?” I asked, feeling a little nervous about what he might tell me.  He sighed, seemingly reluctant to reveal more and soon came to a halt.  

“John, we'll lose the others,” I told him, pointing as they carried on without us. “It's ok, George always goes to the Jacaranda, we'll catch up...”.  He sounded quite solemn, a tone I hadn't heard in his voice before. In fact, his whole demeanour had changed – his shoulders had dropped, and he looked at the ground.  “When I told Paul I'd asked you to come and watch us, he said that he was already in there. He pissed me off, so I said you were too prim to skive off anyway and you'd not turn up,”  Wow, Paul had a good opinion of himself!  “I'm sorry, I'm a fucking idiot. I didn't mean to upset you back there," he finished.  I stood looking quite gormless.  John just shuffled his feet and pretended to look around at the scenery.  An elderly woman walked by us and he pulled a ridiculous face at her – she scowled and muttered under her breath which made me start laughing.  “It's, it's ok John!  It's forgotten,” I said between giggles.  “Mates?” he asked.  I nodded, and we continued walking together, although John didn't offer me his hand again.  I was pleased he'd apologised but, mates? What about all those looks back in the Cavern?  I glanced at him and felt a little sad.  Maybe I'd gotten too caught up in today, in the atmosphere and the music. It was easy to do – these lads and their music, I could see how they could become an addiction.  The way they bounced off each other, their humour, their looks – so very appealing. And now it sounded like John just saw me as a potential new friend, nothing more. I wasn't sure how to feel all of a sudden.

 

We carried on walking quietly together. I looked in the various shop windows as we did, admiring the Christmas displays. As we turned onto Church Street, I then saw George, Marie, Paul and Pete coming back.  

“Jac's closed ... what now?” asked George asked they all reached us.  Paul dragged on his cigarette before tossing it to the ground, “Well my dad's got stuff in at home, we could rustle up egg and chip butties?”, he looked around at us all for approval and various voices agreed “Yeah nice one Paul”, “Yes please I'm starving now!”, “Come on then!”.  The boys all ran off ahead, dodging passers-by, whilst Marie and I followed on behind.  What a bunch of madmen they all looked. “George's asked me out!” she squeaked excitedly as we turned back into Mathew Street.  “Really? He seems a nice lad,” I said as I watched them lugging their instruments and equipment into the back of their van, Paul smiling at me as he jumped down after putting his bass in.   I smiled back.  To be honest, I was still confused about him kissing me earlier, and then acting like nothing had happened – I did feel like I was being played with slightly, especially with John revealing that Paul thought he was “in there” with me, and John himself holding my hand and in the next breath asking to be mates.  Oh, too many thoughts going around... “Saturday night at the Grapes, I can't wait Ellie!  Ellie?”  Oops!  Poor Marie was still talking about George and I'd not heard any of it. Oh, sorry, think the cold's getting to me now,” I rubbed my hands together, then George called us over to get in.  “Where?!” I asked as we approached, seeing it was a three seater at the front.  “In here with our gear!” chirped George, pointing at the open doors.  He jumped in, and held his hand out to Marie who had no objections, then helped me in.  It smelt musty and I tried not to trip over Pete's drum kit. “It's freezing in here!” I yelped as I sat down on the cold metal.  Pete got into the driver's seat and John got in next to him, singing “Do You Want to Know A Secret” under his breath.  I did love his voice, it was soft yet powerful, passionate. The van creaked as Paul then got into the back with us, easing himself next to me. “You don't mind if I sit next to you Ellie?” he asked as he pulled the doors of the van shut. “No Paul, go ahead,” I was perplexed though – he could have got in the front with John and Pete and been much more comfortable, instead of cramped back here. Ha, perhaps Paul still thought he was “in there”... hmm.  A thought ran about in my head, that maybe I should have some fun for once in my life, instead of always being scared.  I liked John, I liked him a LOT.  But if he only wanted to be mates, then why not have a bit of a flirt with Paul? He had at least kissed me, he had made me feel desirable, something I'd not felt before.  I leant in and whispered in his ear, “You were great today”, whilst squeezing his knee.  He looked down at my hand on his leg and back up, his hazel eyes big and surprised.  A smile spread across his face. As we pulled out of Mathew Street, I lurched forward, and he caught me around the waist. Before today I would have politely thanked him and got out of his grip but now?  I couldn't really describe how it felt but I liked Paul holding me, it made me want more.

Marie and I soon learnt that Pete, though having a steady hand for drumming, was not so steady on the road! We got thrown about vigorously as he weaved about the Liverpool roads, it was quite hair-raising.  He and John sang blues ditties, it was a jolly atmosphere in the small van. Paul still had his arms encircled around my waist and to be honest I was enjoying every minute of it.  Marie shot me little smiles as she and George held hands, they were so sweet!  The roads soon became familiar and I noticed we'd turned into Menlove Avenue.  “Oh, whereabouts do you live Paul?” I asked.  “Forthlin Road, just off Mather Avenue – the street John and I were on Tuesday night.  Man, I'm dying for a cuppa!” he revealed.  A voice came from the front, “There's my house, well my Aunt Mimi's” - John pointed to a pretty semi-detached house with black gates and a well-kept hedge.  I was surprised – I'd not pictured him living in such a nice house.  “It's lovely John,” I said as we passed it.   Paul put his mouth near my ear “He's mainly at my house anyway, Mimi's a dragon!” he chuckled.  Pete soon swung into our destination – Forthlin Road was a small street with pleasant looking terraced houses, similar to my street.  I was relieved when he finally stopped – I'd been hungry before but Pete's driving had unsettled my stomach, like Paul though I was looking forward to a cup of tea.  The back doors opened and Pete jumped in and began examining his drum kit.  “Never mind your skins Best, what about us?” asked Paul, moving his feet as George and Marie stepped over us to climb out.  “You're talking Paul, that means you're ok,” said Pete dryly.  I turned to see John standing at the door.  “You coming?” he drawled.  Paul pulled me up and as I jumped down John caught me.  For a brief moment, I felt the same happy feeling I'd had earlier when he'd held my hand but then my brain scolded me.   _“Mates.  Remember he doesn't want you, he wants to be mates!_ ” it shouted.   _“Yes, thanks, brain I know,_ ” I thought.  Paul bounded up a path - “This is me, 20”.  He unlocked the door and stood back “After you, girls” and motioned Marie and me to go in. 

It was a nice place, to the right were the stairs, and straight ahead was the kitchen. The walls were a pale yellow, and the stairs were painted cream.  An orange patterned runner went up the stairs and also along the hall.  It felt clean and homely. Paul opened a door on the left “Sitting room” he told us.  George charged in first and headed straight for an armchair by the fire, he wasn't stupid!  He grinned at Marie and patted his lap.  She beamed and settled into the chair with him, whilst Paul turned the fire on. I looked around the room; there was the armchair George had commandeered with a television set on a stand next to it, a small table, a little sofa in front of the window, and an upright piano on the far wall.   “I'm just going to have a ciggie,” Pete said, and started out of the room, and I noticed John glance at me, then fumble in his jacket.  “I'll join you” he called and followed him out the front door.  I could see them through the net curtain lighting up, murmuring to each other.  “Right,” said Paul after he'd warmed his hand in front of the coals, “Grub!”.  “Would you like a hand?” I asked, not wishing to be a third wheel in the George and Marie show.  He nodded and led me to the kitchen, “You're in charge of the tea, cups on the hooks love” he informed me, and I set about preparing six cups. “Hold on, not frying in this, no way!” Paul said and disappeared into the hall, I watched him take his leather jacket off and hang it on the bannister.  “Last time I did that I had fat spatters covering it...” he moaned and pulled an apron off the back of the door.  As he tied it around himself I started laughing, I couldn't help it!  “What??” he laughed with me.  It was the sight of him in his tight black t-shirt and leather trousers, wearing a floral apron – the contrast was so funny.  “Oh just you in that thing!” I managed to gasp, and Paul shook his head in amusement whilst lighting the stove.  “Eggs... eggs,” he said and scrabbled around on the shelf above him.  I filled up the kettle and handed it to him, he set it next to the frying pan.  As the oil he'd just poured began to spit, he started cracking the eggs one after another.  Watching him, I decided to take the opportunity whilst we were alone.

“Paul, can I ask you a question?” I asked softly.  “You can, what's up?” he replied flipping oil over the sizzling eggs.  

“Why did you kiss me this morning?”.  There.  I had managed to ask him.

His posture changed slightly, and he turned around to face me.  “I'll tell you when you've buttered the bread.  Half a loaf please!”.  He pointed at a loaf wrapped up on the table and reached a butter dish from another shelf.  “Knife?” I asked, and he promptly opened a drawer and fished one out.  As I began buttering, I wondered what he was going to say. Perhaps he really was like this with every girl, and I was nothing special, just another one.  Maybe he had just felt sorry for me after John's dig. I had enjoyed the closeness with him, and I wanted to experience it again. 

_"What you really want Ellie is to experience it with John_ ,” my brain volunteered.  
_“Yes, perhaps, okay yes I do.  But he wants to be friends.  So that's that.  I'm tired of being a wallflower, I want to have some fun._ ”  I mentally argued.    
_“John is the one.  Not Paul. John John John John John John_ ”, retorted my brain.  
_“Shut up!_ ”.

I looked down at the bread I'd been absentmindedly buttering, I'd nearly stabbed it.  Paul headed over with the pan and ladled the eggs onto each slice.  “Right, my answer...” he said wiping his hands on the apron.  Oh, God.  He pulled the apron up over his head and walked towards me.  “Because...” he leaned in closer and my heart rate leapt as he moved in for a kiss once again.  Oh, his kisses... they were warm and sweet. Now I'd discovered kissing, I was becoming hooked, and Paul was a great teacher.  He pulled away and smiled.  “the way you looked, was way beyond compare”.  He picked up the tray of food and disappeared into the sitting room and I heard him shout “Who wants butties?!”.


	5. Chapter 5

The kettle started whistling, and for a moment I stood staring at it before I jumped and took it off the gas. My stomach was still fluttering from Paul's kiss, and it was nice. I wasn't used to these kinds of feelings as I'd been going along in life not really thinking about boys – life seemed easier being alone. Cue John and Paul on that street two nights ago, and I felt like I'd morphed into a girl who suddenly had desires, and a little embarrassingly; a sex drive. Not that I knew a great deal about it – I only knew how I felt when I was around those two, they seemed to radiate this rawness, it was frightening almost because I felt like I had no control. I poured the tea and looked around for milk. “Pau-” I began to say and as I turned, there was John in the kitchen doorway. I hadn't heard him and Pete come back into the house as I'd been lost in my thoughts. 

"Oh... John. Do you know where they keep milk?" I managed to say. “Milk? Jim keeps it in this cupboard, it's colder”. John came in and opened a cupboard near the back door, pulling a bottle of milk out. Handing it to me silently, he then left and went into the sitting room. I wondered what John had been standing there for. “Tea, thank Christ!” exclaimed George as I carried the tea in on a tray. I set it down in the middle of the room on the floor. “I couldn't find sugar Paul, “ I told him. Paul began to get up from beside the fire but then I felt someone brush past me, and within a few seconds, John walked back in holding a sugar jar. “Oh, thanks John,” I said and he gave a little smile. 

I asked everyone how they took their tea and soon everyone was sipping and warming up. The six of us were crammed into the little room; George and Marie were still sharing the armchair, Paul sat on a footstool by the fire and John and Pete were on the sofa. John then told Pete to “shove up”. “Here Ellie, there's room for you now,” he said. Pete had moved along to the other end, so I would be right between him and John. I told myself in my head to get on with it, and eased myself in between them, trying not to spill my tea. Due to the fact it was a little sofa, and John and Pete were both muscular lads, you couldn't see a sliver of daylight between us – John's thigh was pressed against mine and I was trying hard to stay calm. Trying to take my mind off his warm leg touching me, I looked around the room, noticing some good black and white photographs on the walls. “Did you take those photos, Paul?”, I asked. Paul looked to where I was, then shook his head. “No those are my brother's, Mike – he's well into photography,” he replied. “Eh, that's an idea – we're playing again at the Cavern tonight and Mike's going to take photos. Will you come back with us?” Paul asked. 

I felt excitement at the idea of seeing them play again, so nodded. “I'd love to, and Marie?”I looked over at her and she nodded as well. “Yeah, that'd be great!”. George rubbed Marie's shoulder affectionately; they looked really good together – what a day she'd had so far! As the afternoon whiled away, the boys mainly talked about music again – Elvis, Buddy Holly and Chuck Berry could no wrong in their eyes. “I do love Elvis, he has such a great voice. I listen to his records all the time at home, he takes me somewhere else... ” I admitted. Paul nodded and grinned at me. “Well, I'm going to wash these things up,” I said and began to gather it all back onto the tray. “Ellie there's no need, Mike can do it when he gets in...” said Paul taking my arm. I shook my head “No it's no trouble, please let me.” He let go and nodded graciously. I made my way out into the kitchen and put the tray on the sideboard, and began to run some water into the sink. Looking out into the garden, it was very pretty and well kept. I opened the back door and stepped outside, the air was gloriously refreshing after the fire from the living room.

I closed my eyes, and let the cold air nip at my face. I began to wonder exactly what was going on with Paul – we weren't going out, he hadn't asked me out yet anyway – but he was showing all the signs that he liked me. He was gorgeous, friendly, a nice boy. But I felt wistful as I remembered the kisses, and wished so badly that they'd come from John. God, I was stupid. From what I saw at the Cavern Paul was like catnip to the girls there, I should be flattered he liked me.  
“Oi, the sink's nearly overflowing you know”. I opened my eyes with a start and John was stood behind me at the back door. “Are you alright? It's fucking freezing out here. And you don't have the ciggie excuse,” John mused. Sheepishly I walked past him back inside, “No I'm fine, just was overheated from the fire that's all.” I felt like he could read my mind and tried to empty my head as I put all the crockery in the sink and began to wash the egg-stained plates. “I'll dry then,” said John, and sidled up beside me, picking up a bright red and white checked tea towel. “Okay, thanks” I replied. I knew I needed to get over this awkward feeling I had around him.

“How's your throat from singing earlier?” I asked after a while. John glanced at me as he continued drying. “Like bloody sandpaper, always is after a gig there” he answered. “Well I'm not surprised after Twist and Shout,” I said as I started washing the cups. “You were wonderful though, I couldn't help dancing!”. A smile crossed those lovely lips as John began to hang the cups back on their hooks. “It was worth then for my part. I'm well chuffed you did come, you're a nice kid”. I felt my cheeks flush a little and turned to him. “Thanks John, you're lovely”. “Lovely?! I don't get called that often. Now, “tosser”, “bastard” and “wanker” yes” he laughed. Wow, I'd heard of the term bastard before but not wanker or tosser! I guessed they were not nice though. “So, you and Paul, are you fixed?” John asked. “What does that mean?” I answered, not knowing the phrase. “Are you and him going out now?”. Blimey John, even I didn't know what was going on. “I think we might be, “ I didn't really know myself but Paul's behaviour seemed to point to that happening. “Hmmm. Who kissed who first this morning?” he said questioningly. Bloody hell! “Erm, why?” I asked. He didn't answer. “Why did you storm off?” I asked back. 

John tied the damp tea towel around his eyes and tried to walk around the kitchen blindfolded. “I asked first!” he argued. “Ok, Paul did. I didn't encourage him, he just did it. Now you answer me.”. Untying the tea towel John shrugged. “I didn't like Paul telling you what I said. Like I told you this morning I said it in anger, I didn't want it getting back to you. That's Paul all over though.” he snapped. I felt like I was taking several steps back with him, his changeable moods were hard. “I thought you and Paul were okay now John...” I said quietly, sloshing water around the sink. “We are! As much as we fucking can be, I'm still pissed off that he told you though. Got him what he wanted, I saw you two in the van mirror.." he retorted. What!? Now my cheeks were flushing from annoyance – John was starting to seem like he was jealous! Yet he hadn't told me he was interested at all, but now I thought about it he'd looked funny when he stood at the van door earlier. I briefly entertained what he'd said though – did Paul deliberately tell me so he could make a move? Surely not... Paul couldn't have known I liked John. 

We continued the chore silently, I didn't want to set him off again. After John dried the last cup he chucked the tea towel on the side and headed out the back door, and I watched him light up again. We watched each other through the window – he was one of the most complicated and prickly people I'd ever met, and I didn't really know what he wanted from me. He just kept changing towards me. I turned away and headed back into the sitting room. “Hey!” said Paul as I walked in. “Are you ready to leave, we're playing at half six?” and gave me a little squeeze around my waist. I nodded and motioned him into the hallway. “Paul, what did you and John say after this morning, did you straighten things out?”, I was curious to hear his side. John had painted him to be this underhand villain but I hoped he was wrong. “Yeah yeah, John was annoyed because I let slip what he'd said about you. He's over it now though love, don't worry!” and he kissed me on my cheek. “Great, I'd hate to cause trouble between you” I admitted. Paul shook his head smiling, and went back to the sitting room to round up the others. I wondered though, was John “over” it? I didn't know him at all, but he seemed angry with Paul still. Having no real experience of male friends or boyfriends, he was very confusing. “Daydreaming about Paulie are we?” a sarcastic John drawled behind me. I rolled my eyes and turned, “No, just waiting for everyone that's all.” I answered. He opened the front door and walked down the path to the van, proceeding to lean against it, violently exhaling smoke from his freshly lit ciggie. What was going on in his head?


	6. Chapter 6

I waited for Paul in the hallway whilst he went and locked the back door, whistling to himself. He sauntered back through from the kitchen and pulled his leather jacket from the banister, swinging it over his head before slipping it on. Looking at him, he was an incredibly handsome boy – pale skin, arched eyebrows that perfectly highlighted his huge hazel eyes, a small upturned nose, and a mouth Cupid would weep over. I still couldn't believe that he found me attractive, it was almost crazy. 

“Okay, you ready?” he asked as he reached me. I was, and walked down the path to the van whilst he locked up once more. I could see the van's back doors were open, so clambered back up inside. And who sat in there … but John. I almost wanted to jump back out again, because he seemed in such an awful mood. As I sat back down amongst the guitar cases, John didn't say anything, or look at me – he just smoked and looked out to where George and Marie were sitting in the front. This was going to be awkward, John had already made it clear he was annoyed with Paul still. I was glad of the cold air now, as it calmed me down, John's close proximity made me jumpy. Pete started the van up, asking if we were all in. “Paul isn't” I called to him, but just then he hoisted himself in and settled down next to me. “All done, okay Pete!” he shouted. Grinding the poor gears, the van spluttered out of Forthlin Road. 

I fell sideways as I had before as Pete turned right, narrowly missing the drum kit. “Fucking be careful Pete! We are back here you know...” Paul scolded. A loud “Yeah yeah” came from the driver's seat. Paul then pulled me into his lap, and John exhaled his cigarette smoke very loudly. “This has been a great day...” Paul whispered into my ear, and rested his chin on my shoulder. I nodded and gave him a smile. He was right, it had – I just wished the atmosphere was better. I turned my head, and John locked eyes with me. It was overwhelming, I felt that I was at his mercy and at that moment I just wanted to be in his arms. Shit. Paul clearly hadn't noticed as he'd removed his head from my shoulder and was bent down checking his bass case. And John? He just kept staring, he was emanating some kind of weird power over me and I was starting to find it hard to breathe properly. In the end I broke the eye contact, and shifted around on Paul's lap so I was facing away from John, I couldn't take much more of this. 

After another dose of Pete's frightening driving, we headed back into Mathew Street. John had stood up in the van before Pete had even parked, and bolted out as soon as he could with his guitar. I got up off of Paul and jumped out, as I did Marie bounded around to me, her face was glowing and happy. “Ellie I'm having a terrific day! I'm so happy you came along this morning, I'd never have been brave enough to try and talk to George – and now I have a date with him!”. She gave me a suffocating hug and I patted her on the back, “You're... welcome!” I managed to get out and thankfully she let me go. She waited as George got into the van for his guitar whilst Paul and I headed down into the Cavern once again. I spied John sloped over at the bar as we walked into the main room and he called Paul over. “Paul? Come here a minute”. I decided to go in the dressing room again but looked back over my shoulder – they were discussing something, but John had bought Paul a drink from what I could make out, so that was a good sign. I closed the door behind me as I got inside the dressing room and stood against it, glad of some quiet for a moment. 

I had to forget John. I had to see him as a mate, and not let this silly fantasy fester in my head. At the very least, he was playing games with me, I felt sure of that. And Paul, he was lovely! I got a little flutter as I thought about him, and I decided that I should focus on him, that is if he wanted to get to know me more. The door jerked open - “Oh, sorry El, didn't know you were there!” , it was Paul holding two bottles of Coke. “My fault Paul” I replied and let him come in. He set one of the bottles down on the little wooden table and pointed at it. “That's from John, he says you can owe him one later when his throat hurts again. Cheeky tosser eh?” . I half laughed, as I remembered what John had said earlier about being called names. “Right I'm just going to help Pete in with his drums, be back in a minute love” and he headed towards the door. “Oh Paul?” I asked, “What did John want just now?”. Paul stopped as he got halfway into the corridor - “Oh just to add a couple of Elvis songs to the set tonight, should be cool!” he replied, winking as he closed the door. I had to admit I was really excited to hearing them play again, it had been like an enormous party before. I went and sat down on the sofa, and shut my eyes for a moment – I felt pretty done in. A few minutes later I was dozing slightly, and didn't stir when I heard the door open and close. Someone was moving about, and then I heard water running in the sink that stood under the mirror. It stopped, and I could hear movement, so I opened my eye slightly. Oh God. John stood at the sink, with his t-shirt off – he was having a wash it looked like. I was transfixed by his muscular back, and how his leather trousers fit snugly over his bottom... 

 

Blimey what was happening to me!? This was not how I usually was! Water trickled over John's shoulder from where he'd washed himself and it ran slowly and steadily down his back. Oh... I shut my eye again as he continued washing – he was so beautiful, but I was determined not to think of him in a romantic way again. The door opened again and I heard Paul's voice. “Eh, don't be long, I want a quick wash too. Aww ... look at her, isn't she perfect?” Paul gushed as I tried to keep still and look deeply asleep. This set off another tetchy sigh from John - “Urgh yes Paul. You know she is. Fucking perfect. Here, sink's all yours...” and I heard the door open and close again. A hand then travelled down my jawline, making me shiver at the nice feeling. “Go back to sleep you...” Paul whispered and lips touched mine ever so softly. Wow, he was one hell of a Prince Charming, in a good way I thought. After that I must have dropped off for real, as the next thing I knew I was shaken gently by the shoulder by Paul. “El? It's quarter past six, come on wake up!”. I stretched slowly and my dress rode up slightly revealing my thighs a little more. I felt very embarrassed and covered them with my arms. Paul noticed this, and stoked my hand, it made me tingle. “You've got gorgeous legs, don't be ashamed. Come on, Marie's saving you a seat” and he pulled me from the sofa, pulling me into a hug as he did so. Oh Paul... you are lovely I thought to myself. “See you out there then!” I said as I left the room, and he stuck his thumb up. I walked down the corridor and cigarette smoke was wafting up from the main room – I could hear the hubbub of voices and glasses tinkling. I was stunned as I got out there, it was even more packed than it had been at lunchtime – people were packed in like sardines! I spotted Marie – she was crafty, she'd got a couple of seats on the left hand side, basically right in front of where George would play. I picked my way through and flopped down beside her. “My God, it's so hot!” I said loudly to her as I took off my cardigan. Marie nodded “I know, better than being outside though!” she laughed. I saw a couple of shadows standing near the arches at the back of the stage – my eyes told me it was Paul and George. The same small man from the afternoon came onto the stage, and announced them again; “Hi kids! Welcome to the Cavern Club on this cold evening. We've something hot for you now – the Beatles! Give them a huge round!” and they all jumped onto the stage, even John was smiling at the whooping and clapping of the crowd. George began to sing “Roll Over Beethoven” much to Marie's delight and I bobbed along – the sound they created was so great. As I listened, I thought back to John's words -”fucking perfect”. Could he have meant it? I then scolded myself mentally for thinking about him again.

“Come on girl. He's a grumpy, complicated guy. Paul isn't."

I looked over at Paul who was playing his bass with such skill and passion on his face, it was a wonderful image. Sweat poured off all of them already – even their fingers were wet but they just continued creating this magic noise and we all lapped it up. They played the same songs they had earlier one after another. Paul then quietened us down again, “Okay folks, this song is called Searchin' “ and he launched into this catchy bass riff, and he smiled and bobbed along as John and George started joining in. As he sang, I soon grasped it was about a boy looking for a girl. It was really catchy. Paul turned towards me each time he sang a certain verse, it was incredibly sweet.

“Cause I've been searchin'  
Oh, yeah, searchin'  
My goodness, searchin' every which a-way  
Yeah, yeah  
But I'm like the Northwest Mounties  
You know I'll bring her in some day“

I continued bobbing my head along, out of the blue I felt a sharp jab in my back – I turned around and was met with a glare from a girl behind me, if looks could kill I'd be gone. I turned back around and then she did it a second time, I was starting to feel nervous, I looked up at Paul but he was lost in his playing. I then looked over at John, and whilst he was still playing he was staring behind me with a look of steel. He then dropped his arms and stopped playing, jumping off the stage mid song. I watched in shock as he headed towards me but then past me, to the girl behind. “I've seen you. You fucking touch her again and I'll cut your hair off!”. I looked at John and then at her – her face had a look of bewilderment and she opened her mouth, then obviously thought better of it and closed it again. I could hear people behind us murmuring “What's up with him?” and “Fucking hell”. Paul and George were still playing and Paul mouthed “Are you ok?” to me. I nodded. John got back on to the Cavern's stage and began playing again, and he shot a look at me, I gave him a grateful smile. He didn't react but I could see him still giving the girl mindful looks as they continued the song.

John looked a bit fidgety as we all applauded after Searchin' had finished, and wiped the sweat off his forehead on the sleeve of his jacket. Paul looked at him and John nodded indicating he was ready. I was excited as I was quite ready for a bit of Elvis! “This is our last song, of this evening – thanks for coming everyone, you've been smashing. Here's our Johnny, with a new addition tonight - Now or Never by the great Elvis”. Hmm, not a bad choice I thought, although I'd been hoping for Jailhouse Rock which was my absolute favourite. John looked very strange, nervous as he started playing. And I soon joined him, as he stared squarely at me as he began singing.

 

“It's now or never,  
Come hold me tight  
Kiss me my darling,  
Be mine tonight  
Tomorrow will be too late,  
It's now or never  
My love won't wait.

When I first saw you  
With your smile so tender  
My heart was captured,  
My soul surrendered  
I'd spend a lifetime  
Waiting for the right time  
Now that you're near  
The time is here at last”

I stared at him. He stared at me as he continued singing with that perfect voice. We were crammed in this cellar with 50 odd other people but I could only see him right now. My stomach was doing somersaults and my mouth was dry, adrenaline was running though me as I looked up at this boy singing this amazing song whilst his eyes bore into me. I only hoped Paul hadn't noticed – I managed to shift my gaze from John to Paul, and he was looking out at the crowd smiling. At this moment, I was floating in a bubble that only John and I were in, nothing else could penetrate it. 

“Your lips excite me,  
Let your arms invite me  
For who knows when  
We'll meet again this way

It's now or never,  
Come hold me tight  
Kiss me my darling,  
Be mine tonight  
Tomorrow will be too late,  
It's now or never  
My love won't wait “ 

John belted out the last phrase but took his eyes off me as he did. I got to my feet as did most of the crowd as he finished – I was clapping so hard my hands stung! He raised his hand up to acknowledge the applause and looked briefly my way. I simply kept clapping, I didn't know what else to do. “Thanks folks, goodnight!” shouted George into the mic, and they all trooped off stage. I sank back onto my seat, my head was a blur and my ears had popped. What had just happened between us? And then, Paul came back on stage and then jumped off to come to me. “You okay love? What did that bitch do!” he asked angrily, he looked murderous. I turned around but she'd already gone, luckily for her I thought. “Oh she was jabbing me with her fingernail, I think she saw you looking at me as you sang..” Paul softened a little at this and perched next to me. “Well I'm allowed to sing to the girl I fancy!” I looked down blushing, couldn't help it. “Listen erm, I like you Ellie – will you come out with me tomorrow? Have a coffee somewhere and a walk?” he asked, his big eyes shining in the dim light of the Cavern. I felt torn. Something had happened between me and John just now, something huge and passionate. However I found myself looking into Paul's handsome, innocent face – and saying “Yes I will Paul, I'd love to.”.


	7. Chapter 7

Paul broke out into a beam after I said yes. It didn't matter that his hair was a sweaty mess, his face flushed and dripping - he still looked absurdly sweet. It was stifling in that cellar and yet I still shivered slightly when his hand rose and gave my cheek a little caress. 

“That tart earlier, she was probably just jealous, you're one of the prettiest girls that's ever come down here..” he said close to my ear. I laughed and blushed at this remark, and leant forward to catch a bead of sweat that was about to roll over his eyelid and onto his lashes. “Oh man I'm in a mess, I'll go get cleaned up, then we'll get the bus home okay?, he asked as he ran his hand through his wet mop of hair.

I nodded, and he jumped up and weaved past the crowd of girls near the corridor, I could hear his promises of autographs; “In a minute love, I'll be back.” I sat back on the seat and exhaled – what a day, what a day! I was shattered, my hair and clothes stank of cigarettes, my stockings had a ladder, but so what? I had this new, exciting world of music, rock and roll, chaos. I'd made a sweet new friend in Marie. Most importantly, I had the Beatles. I don't know if it was the adrenaline but I felt at that moment I could achieve anything. Then, the memory of John holding my gaze as he sang Now or Never to me forced its way into my mind, and my stomach knotted a little. Maybe I'd imagined that he'd been staring at me all the way through? But I knew deep down I hadn't, but didn't know what to do with the feelings it had caused, the feelings he caused me in the van – to be honest, the feelings I'd had since two nights ago when I encountered him and Paul. I sat there contemplating this when Marie bounced next to me. “George is seeing me home, so I'm going now!” and she pulled me into another suffocating hug, God she had a grip! 

“Ok love, I expect we'll see each other again soon anyway” I replied as she let me go and she pulled a face. “They're playing a London show tomorrow, but I know I won't be able to go, it's not fair.” Marie said sadly. At this moment George emerged past the arch and stopped to sign a couple of autographs. He looked proud at being asked for them, it was quite funny. “Okay, thanks girls, cheerio!” he bade the gathered females and walked over to Marie and I. “Forgot about my guitar and stuff – will you be ok coming in the van Marie?” he asked sheepishly, his large brows furrowing even more than normal. She nodded “Course, that's ok George. Bye Ellie!” , she grinned as he slipped an arm around her back. George himself turned and gave me a friendly wave as they began to ascend the stairs back to reality. Even though people were leaving, it was a still smoke-filled haze and I barely recognised Pete as he came back onto the stage and began to dismantle his drum kit. He gave me a nod, but he was a man of few words was Pete. A nice looking boy, but with little to say it seemed. He stayed quite sedate behind the drums whilst the other three were bopping around, and leaping about – almost like a parent figure. It suddenly dawned on me as I watched him that I was still in my casual clothes and that I needed to change into my work ones, so I jumped out of my seat and picked my way over the beer-sodden floor, and past the adoring group of girls waiting for Paul and John. John still hadn't emerged, but I wasn't sorry – had no idea how to behave around him. As I changed in the toilet cubicle I heard the door open and a clatter of heels as some girls came in.

“No way he could have been singing to that bitch, did you see her? I've been flirting with Paul for weeks here, I'm sure he likes me too” spat one. Another voice started up - “Well what about Johnny? Look how he nearly attacked Deirdre who sat behind her. What the fuck is going on? Who the fuck IS she?”. I sank down onto the floor as these statements continued for what seemed like forever, praying I wouldn't make a noise and alert them. 

“I dunno but I've never seen her here before. Who does she think she is? Johnny's mine, well we're not going out but I'll put out for him, he's gorgeous,” said another girl. 

“Well if she even looks at Paul again I'll kill her.” Another clatter of heels and the noise of the door swinging open, and then... silence. I finally dared to breathe again. 

“Oh great... now I'm going to have girls after my blood...” I thought. I waited for at least five minutes until I felt there was a good chance they'd left the club, and slowly made my way out of the cubicle. I then put my ear to the door of the loos – silence. Gingerly opening the door, I peered out into the corridor – the group from before was gone, and then I panicked at the thought Paul had left without me! I rounded the corner by the stage and there he was sat on a chair, feet perched on his bass case. “Ah there you are! I thought you'd waited outside but couldn't see you. Figured you must be in the loo,” he told me. He stood up and picked up his bass, and just like John this morning, held his hand out. 

I slipped mine into his and felt immediately safe. We climbed the staircase and I could feel the cold air fighting its way down, it was such a relief after the heat. As we reached the doorway I could make out John's shape and the knot in my stomach yanked again. I'd been hoping he'd already left. He stood puffing away on a cigarette yet again, and he turned as we stepped outside. Mathew Street was deserted apart from a few stragglers from the Cavern. “You found her then? Down the rabbit hole was she?” he inquired sarcastically. I may as well have not been there! 

“Nah mate, just in the ladies” replied Paul. I looked down because I couldn't meet John's eyes, not yet anyway. John sniffed and picked his guitar up. “Well come 'ead lets get this bus...” he mumbled and trudged away, Paul and I following. I was glad of Paul's hand as I had no gloves and as we emerged into North John Street we could see that fog was settling in, the street lights looked like floating orbs in the grey mist. However, John seemed to know where he was going, as he purposefully charged over the road, and walked to a wooden bus shelter a few shops down. It was scary but exciting, as I was never out late. “Cor it's fucking cold...” said John and rubbed his hands, cigarette perched on his lip as Paul and I reached the bus shelter. Paul plonked himself down next to John and exhaled “Oh... well we've got ten minutes yet..”. I sat down beside Paul – who still hadn't let go of my hand. It was a very nice feeling. “Yeah, thanks for that Macca” sneered John. Macca? “Macca?” I asked. Paul turned to me “Nickname for my surname El, McCartney”. It then occurred that I didn't know their surnames! When we'd met we'd only introduced each other with our first names. 

“Oh I see! So you're Paul McCartney, you didn't tell me before!” I said jokily. Paul blinked, and then laughed as he took his own ciggies out of his jacket and put on a mock posh voice.

“So I didn't! Forgive my manners, young lady! I'm Mr Paul McCartney!”, he then pointed to John, “that chap is Mr John Lennon, our lead guitarist is Mr George Harrison and the little drummer boy Mr Peter Best!”, he then stood up and bowed as I fell about laughing at his impression. John didn't seem as amused as me and just glared at Paul's back. “Ten minutes with you Paul? Fuck's sake...” he said quietly and leant back on the bench seat, pulling his jacket collar up and shutting his eyes. Paul pulled a “whoops” face at me, and then sat back down. “You enjoyed today?” he asked squeezing my hand. “Oh god yes! A fantastic day. I can say I'm a real Beatles fan now,” I replied, and I absolutely meant it. Paul leaned in and bopped my nose with his, he was adorable. He then let go of my hand so he could light up. 

“I was surprised at John singing that Elvis number, bit soft for him – he likes the rocky ones,” Paul looked quite thoughtful as he exhaled his ciggie smoke. The mention of John singing that song made me nervous, as I recalled his eyes fixed on me as he'd sung that sweet song. “Hmm... He did sing it well though, he has a lovely voice...” I admitted. Paul poked me “Oi, what about mine?! - his hazel eyes were twinkling, even in this dim foggy light. I nodded “Yours is lovely too Paul! Oh, by the way, did your brother not turn up?”. For some reason, Mike had popped into my head.

Paul frowned, “Eh no, he didn't! Wonder why not, he was going to take some photos for Mersey Beat, Bill will kill him!” he exclaimed. As we sat there huddled together, Paul went on to explain that Bill was Bill Harry, who ran a music paper called Mersey Beat – he was an art college friend of John's. “John went to art college? Wow... he doesn't seem the type to have that sort of patience...” I pondered. Paul sniggered and flicked his ciggie ash. “No you're right, he didn't! We were playing gigs - George and I were bunking off at the Inny – that was right next door to the art college. John failed his exams and got chucked out.” he finished. I glanced over at the dozing John. “Course, he didn't care much about it all after Julia was killed, he had a hard time...” continued Paul. 

“Who was Julia?” I asked - I was curious. Paul looked at me, and then at John. “Julia ... was his mum. She died three years ago, outside John's house, knocked down by a car”, he told me quietly. I looked at John - still sprawled back, eyes closed, collar up, ciggie barely clinging to his lip – and felt a terrible urge to hold him. How desperately sad, maybe that accounted for John's hardness, his fuck-off attitude - a protection. “He lives with his Aunt Mimi, but she drives him fucking spare. He spends most of his time at mine, it helps him I suppose...and me...” Paul trailed off and took a long drag of his ciggie. I didn't know him well that yet but Paul's voice, and posture changed. His shoulders had slumped. “Why you Paul?” I pressed, and placed my hand back into his. His eyes lowered and he sighed. I wasn't going to force it if he didn't want to, but then he spoke. “My mum died as well, when I was 14. She had cancer, that's why I can help him – I get it.” Paul stopped talking but stroked my hand with his thumb. I put my arm around his back and held him. “That's why music helps, it always helped. And I think we're good at it. We've even got some bloke offering to manage us, he owns the NEMS store near here – not every group gets that. He's posh too!” Paul smiled as he tossed the remainder of his ciggie onto the ground, and then laid his head on my shoulder.

When the bus arrived fifteen minutes later, we were all dozing, luckily Paul had seen the headlights, even though he was half asleep. Waking up John hadn't been fun, Paul had had to prise him from the shelter and had nearly got hit in the face for his troubles, as John had flailed in sleepy annoyance. He grumbled as he plodded up the bus steps, shoving change into the driver's hand. “Fucking need my bed … who's going to share it with me...” and he fell into a seat, his head resting against the window wet with condensation, his leather boots sticking out on the bus's floor. Paul shook his head and motioned to me to sit on the opposite site, slipping next to me – his bass next to John's guitar. “I've just realised, I can't go out with you tomorrow after all” I said with an air of seriousness. Paul turned around to me in his seat with a look of shock. “What?? Why not?”. Oh his poor face, it was almost funny. “Marie said you've got a show in London tomorrow!” I laughed. “You tease!” he yelped and he tried to tickle me. I fought him off by tickling his neck and he shied away “Okay, okay I give up! Hey I'm sorry about tomorrow... I've enjoyed being with you so much today I forgot about the gig! Are you free Sunday?” he winked.

“Eh, eh! Your stop madam!”, chirped Paul. I'd dozed off on his shoulder, and we'd reached Beaconsfield Road. Yawning, Paul helped me up. The lights on the bus were bright and hurt my eyes but I was still able to make out the bundle of John and as I walked past I patted his back. 

“N'night John, see you soon”, I said. “Who's going to share my bed Ellie?” came his mumbled reply. “Hang on a minute mate, just seeing my girl off the bus,” Paul said to the driver. It did give me butterflies hearing that. Paul followed me down the steps of the bus and onto the pavement. 

“Well,” I said as Paul's arms slipped around me, “thank you for a lovely day Mr McCartney, it's been brilliant”. Paul smiled down at me and said “Thank you Miss... eh what is your surname?” he asked. “Ward,” I laughed - “Ellie Ward, well Eleanor really,” I told him. “Eleanor Ward” he repeated back. “That sounds good Miss Eleanor Ward”. A weird look came over his face and he gripped me tighter, “Hey! Why don't you come to London with us tomorrow?! See our show?” he asked excitedly, eyes wide.

I was both excited and terrified by the prospect! Just skipping work and going to the Cavern had felt rebellious, but London?! But oh, as I thought about it I really wanted to go. To see how other crowds reacted to the Beatles and their music, to see if they felt like I had – excited, invincible, full of freedom. Paul watched me, waiting for an answer. “Oh, well when are you going?” I asked. “8 in the morning tomorrow, Neil and Mal – our roadies, they're picking us up, and we can collect you last! Please say yes.” I was stood in the freezing fog, in the arms of a leather-clad boy whom I'd known for two days, and I felt like something, something was finally happening to me. To me! Ellie the wallflower! “Yes ok! I'll slip out!”. Paul beamed and gave me a passionate kiss which made my knees nearly buckle, luckily he had a good hold of me. We were interrupted by a banging on the bus – John was staring out at us, suddenly awake and alert. His eyes were narrowed. “Come on Paulie I need my sleep... put her down!” he shouted. Paul laughed and kissed me once more. “Be ready and looking out for us by quarter to eight!”, he whispered then climbed back on the bus. He sat down next to John, and as the bus doors began closing, John began yelling “It's now or never!!!” Come hold me tight...” and then I could hear no more. Paul waved at me as the bus pulled off on its way to Menlove Avenue, and I watched it until the fog swallowed it. I felt quite a sense of emptiness once they'd gone, a strange melancholy. There was something about being around those boys, they lifted your spirits, made you feel happy. I opened the front gate quietly and tiptoed up the path, I couldn't wait to get into bed. I was trying desperately not to jangle my keys too much as I unlocked the front door, and as I did Sooty our cat dashed past me and nearly sent me flying into my mum's gnomes on the doorstep. 

 

The house was in darkness so it seemed everyone was in bed. I switched the hall light on and sat down on the bottom stair to take my shoes off – the soles smelt of beer... horrid. The kitchen light then flicked on, and my dad stood there, he looked furious. My heart started racing.

“Where the hell have you been missy?!” he demanded.

How was I going to get out of this?


	8. Chapter 8

I stood rooted to the spot in the hallway, watching my dad's red face, his hands were curled into fists. All of a sudden, our little house in Beaconsfield Road didn't feel like home anymore. 

“WELL?!” Dad bellowed at me. I was searching my mind for an answer that could possibly appease him, and I knew the truth wouldn't do it. 

“Dad, I'm so sorry. Vera, and me – we decided to go into the city centre after work, to have a coffee and a natter,” - well a little bit of it was the truth, at least the location. Dad still looked angry, but his fists had relaxed slightly. “Your mum and me have been worried out of our heads, imagining the worst!! Why didn't you phone us??” he barked. I heard the stairs creak and Mum appeared on the landing, her face looked white.

“Eleanor! Oh Ellie you're safe!” and she scurried down the stairs and hugged me. I felt a terrible sense of guilt as I hadn't even considered what they'd feel about my not coming home, I suppose I got caught up in the excitement of everything. “Where've you been, what happened?!”. I repeated the same story I'd told Dad, and Mum seemed to calm down almost immediately at the thought that I'd been with Vera. I decided that I should get in my story to cover tomorrow whilst I could.

“We've going to go shopping tomorrow, and Vera's asked me to sleep over at her house afterwards. I'm so sorry, I just didn't think to ring...” I tried to sound sheepish, but it wasn't a lie really, I WAS sheepish. Dad looked stern still “I don't know about that Ellie, after today's behaviour,” but Mum shook her head at him and rubbed my shoulders. “Go on up to bed love, I'll make some cocoa...” and she smiled at me. I picked up my bag and shoes and made my way upstairs, but paused on the landing as I listened to them talking.

“Sylv, Vera can't be a good influence if the girl doesn't even think to phone us! I don't want her to go tomorrow” said my dad. I heard the kettle being placed on the stove and then a chair being pulled back, so I guessed they were sitting at the kitchen table. “John, Ellie's never really had a life outside of us and this house, and that's not right. This is what she needs, to be out with people her own age. Don't stop her...” Mum pleaded. Good old Mum. I crept into my room and shut the door quietly. Dropping everything I flopped onto my bed, I was so tired. What an event filled day I'd had... great music, a new friend, and two very complicated boys in my head. Well, Paul wasn't complicated, not that I had seen today. But John was a different kettle of fish altogether. Sharp, then warm, then sharp again. I was hoping to get to know him better, even if it was as a friend. As I lay there contemplating, it occurred to me that my hair still smelt of the Cavern, and I wouldn't have time to wash it in the morning. I quickly changed out of my clothes and was grateful to get into my loose, comfy nightdress. I opened my door and could hear the kettle beginning to whistle, so Mum would be up soon with the cocoa. I made a dash for the bathroom, and began to wash my hair as fast as I could – the relief of hot water after having sat in that bus shelter in the cold fog! A knock came at the bathroom door – it was Mum. “Ellie? I'm just taking your cocoa into your room, can we have a quick chat?” she called through the door.

“Yes Mum, won't be long”. I spent another couple of minutes getting every inch of that smoke out of my hair, and then wrapped it in a towel. I was about to leave the bathroom when I saw my face in the mirror – the make-up! I had to get that off, I now had panda eyes from where the water had run down my face. I scrubbed my face free of all that I'd put on this morning – I now looked red and tired, but I felt happy. I'd not felt like that in a long long time. Mum was sitting on the foot of my bed as I walked back in, and I went and sat next to her. “Mum I'm really sorry again,” I started to say and she shook her head. “Don't worry love. I'm pleased you went out with Vera, that's what you should be doing. I don't want you to be stuck here with us... I just want to know you're safe, that's why your dad and I were so upset.”

I nodded – I did feel pretty terrible at scaring them like I had. “It won't happen again Mum. Do you think Dad will let me go tomorrow?” I asked gingerly, I dreaded her saying that he wouldn't, and then I'd miss the Beatles' gig. “I've spoken to him, don't worry. As long as you do as we ask, of course you can go out.” I was so relieved to hear that! I reached over and gave her a hug, partly out of happiness, partly out of guilt for lying to her. But I knew them – if I asked if I could be driven to London with a group of boys I'd known for a couple of days, they'd hit the roof – and I wanted to go. This was the only way. Mum stood up and straightened my bedclothes slightly, before kissing me on the cheek and saying goodnight. I sighed quietly as she closed the door – it was so lovely to be alone for a bit, and have some peace. I opened my dressing room table drawer and fished out my diary – I kept it under my knickers and stockings. Normally I never had anything of interest to write but tonight I did. I clambered into bed, had a sip of cocoa and began to write.

_“December 8th, 1961_

_Today I bunked off work to go and see John and Paul's group; the Beatles. I met a girl called Marie who was waiting to see their gig too – and we got in early after Paul and George (their guitarist) saw us outside and brought us in. Paul told me John hadn't believed I'd come, and that he thought I was prim. I was upset at this, and Paul kissed me – then John came in. He seemed annoyed and went off. The gig was brilliant – the Beatles are fantastic to watch on stage and their singing is great, I got quite caught up in it all. Paul sang a song called I Saw Her Standing There, and winked at me a few times during it – I couldn't help blushing. George sang too but can't remember the name of the song. John then sang a song called Baby It's You, and he also looked at me a bit. When we left the Cavern after he held my hand, I was so happy. He said sorry for calling me prim but didn't hold my hand again. We then went back to Paul's for something to eat, Paul was a bit flirty again in the kitchen.We all talked about music. I went to wash up and John joined me to dry but he still seemed annoyed with Paul. In the van on the way back to the club John kept staring at me – he has such a scary power over me. John jumped off stage to have a go at some girl who was poking me during a song. At the end he sang an Elvis number It's Now or Never, but this time he stared at me the whole time he sang. I think something happened between us – like we were connected, it was weird. Paul told me tonight that John's mum had been killed a few years ago, and Paul's mum had also died, of cancer. I feel so sorry for them both. He's invited me to go with them to their London show tomorrow. I can't wait but have had to lie to Mum and Dad about where I'm going. They wouldn't understand. I finally feel part of something, and it's exciting. These boys are fascinating, and talented. I'm so glad I've met them."_


	9. Chapter 9

Sleep wasn't an easy thing that night, I was far too excited about the following day. I tossed and turned for a while and got very frustrated, so I switched my bedside lamp on. I grabbed my watch; it was 3 in the morning... That meant I'd get about four hours sleep if I could drop off quickly, I'd planned to get up at 7. 

My bed was cold as I'd not thought to ask Mum for the hot water bottle again, so I rubbed my feet together to try and warm them up. It reminded me of how cold it'd been in the van, and that was one part I wasn't looking forward to – God knows how long it would take us to get to London. My stomach was fluttery again – it was the same feeling I'd get as a child on Christmas Eve, the expectation, the anticipation. I giggled as I turned over onto my side to try and get to sleep once more.

Urgh. I opened my eyes, they felt like they'd been sewn shut. The room looked lighter, so I reached for my watch, it was 6.45. I considered that there was little point staying in bed any longer, so I had a big stretch and a yawn, and slipped out of bed. I had a look outside – it was still dark, but dawn wasn't far away, and the birds were beginning to sing. I left my room and padded onto the landing. My dad was snoring, so that was a relief. I decided that I at least needed a cup of tea to help me wake up – hopefully we'd get some food on the way. Making my way downstairs I could hear Sooty outside the front door, the silly cat had been out all night. A blast of freezing air escaped into the hall as I opened the front door to let her in, jesus! It danced around my ankles and I couldn't close the door quick enough. 

I scurried upstairs with my tea leaving Sooty eating some leftover ham in the kitchen. I checked my watch again as I set the cup down – 7.08. Paul had said they'd come for me around quarter to 8. Gulping some tea down I then went and ran a shallow bath – the water was very warm and welcoming, and it was a shame to get out! As I dried myself in the bathroom I realised I'd left wet footprints – that would annoy Mum so I got some tissue and mopped it up best I could. I listened as I went back out onto the landing, there were still snores coming from Dad. I headed straight for my wardrobe, now what to wear? I'd been cold yesterday, so knew I had to choose better. I picked out my black and red checked skirt, a red jumper and grabbed a pair of black woolly tights. I finished with my black winkle pickers. “Very smart!” I thought as I studied my appearance in the mirror. I did my make-up much the same as I had the day before, except I used a deeper pink lipstick, I seemed to look older with it. As it was nearly 7.30 I decided not to bother with pinning my hair up, I was too tired to do it to be honest, so I left my blonde hair down. There, I felt I was ready. I noticed my diary still on my dressing table and I grabbed it. I opened the drawer to put it back, but then something stopped me and I decided to take it with me. I dropped it into my bag along with my purse, and checked my appearance one last time. I made my way downstairs again and tore a piece off Mum's “Things to Remember” pad.

“Dear Mum and Dad

Left early as Vera and I wanted to catch the shops before the Saturday shoppers turned up. I'll ring when we get to her house later, and when I'm on my way home tomorrow.

Ellie ”

I left the note under the telephone, it was by the front door so I knew they'd see it. I bundled myself into my coat and remembered to wear my scarf, I'd be in need of it. I exhaled, and then crept out of the front door. As I walked down to the gate, I feel the excitement rising in me again. The air was cold but crisp, the road was silent. I decided to walk down a little way from my house so that if my parents got up they wouldn't see me. I perched on a seat in the bus shelter, and checked my watch again – 7.42. I wondered what sort of mood John would be in this morning, hopefully better than yesterday. His personality made a lot more sense to me now though after Paul had told me about his mum Julia – it was terribly sad. 

All of a sudden, my ears picked up a familiar chugging sound, and the Beatles' van appeared around the bend. I got up from the bus shelter and waved, I wanted them to stop before they reached my house. Whoever was driving had seen me, and they drew to a stop right beside me. John and Pete were in the front, with someone I didn't recognise in the driver's seat. John stared at me through his window, his mouth open slightly. Paul jumped out of the back doors and ran to me.

“Hello El! Wow, it's too early for you to look this beautiful!” and he gave me a cuddle. I could see John staring again and then he turned his head away. “Thanks Paul!” I said breathlessly once he let me go. He led me to the van and helped me inside – George was in the back too. “Morning! Have you brought any food?” he asked. 

 

“Sorry George” I said as I settled myself down, “I thought we'd be buying stuff on the way!”. Paul pulled the back doors shut and then flopped next to me - “We are, it's just that kid is always starving!” he chuckled. A pair of gloves suddenly flew from the front seat and landed on the floor. “For you Ellie, I nicked a spare pair of Mimi's gloves...” said John quietly from the front. Awww.... I couldn't help be touched by his kindness. “Oh thanks John! That's very kind” I called back to him, as I slipped them on. Paul put his arm around me, “By the way that's Terry driving us today – he works for Sam who organised this show tonight. Neil couldn't make it in the end,” he told me. 

“Right, let's get going!” shouted Terry, and we started off down Beaconsfield Road. I was so excited to be with these boys again, and for a whole day and night! George picked up a small transistor radio he had next to him and soon “All Shook Up” bounced around the van, George was bopping around to it and I laughed as his ciggie dropped out of his mouth as he moved too vigorously! “Shit, my cig!” he exclaimed. He looked mournfully at it and stubbed it out with his boot. “John, can I nick a ciggie? Just lost my last one...” he asked sheepishly. I looked over at John who had his head leant against the window, and he mumbled as he searched for his packet. As he turned around to pass a cigarette to George, John caught my eye, fixing his gaze on me once again, and my stomach lurched. His brown eyes were remarkably beautiful, his whole face was. I managed to smile at him and surprisingly, he smiled before turning away again.

 

After an hour of driving, the early start began to hit me and I leant my head on Paul's lap, using him as a pillow. I began to doze, the radio was still on – and we'd had Elvis, Gene Pitney and the Everly Brothers performing. Paul and George were playing cards on Pete's drum, and John and Pete were talking. I felt very safe and comfortable in their company, content. I shivered, making Paul jump. “You cold?” he asked looking at me. Without waiting for me to answer he leaned over me and grabbed a grey blanket. He then draped it over my body and rubbed my shoulders. “Better love?”. I nodded and smiled – he really was sweet. I closed my eyes and listened to them chatting and laughing. 

“Come on Paul I need some grub!”

“I'm freezing my bollocks off Macca!”

“Alright I'm coming! El?” A hand touched my arm. “You awake? We've stopped for food...” Paul said softly. I slowly opened my eyes to find him stood over me. “Okay...” I said stifling a yawn, I still felt stupidly tired. Paul and I got out of the van and I had a look around. We were on a long road, with a mass of trees either side. The rest of the boys were waiting outside a small building – it had a sign over the door - “Bert's Cafe”. George was rubbing his hands together, whilst Pete stood talking with Terry. I wondered where John was as we headed towards the others, but he soon appeared around the corner, zipping his leather trousers up!

“Anyone else need a piss? Ellie?” he asked with a smirk. How embarrassing... “I'm fine thanks John!” I retorted. 

I looked at Paul who seemed annoyed at John's teasing. His nostrils flared slightly and he slipped his hand into mine. “When you're finished Lennon...” he said in a curt tone. John pulled his gormless face and sniffed. We all then filed into the cafe. It was a small place, and the smell of food was wonderful. George headed to a table with four chairs – and John proceeded to grab a couple more chairs from another table, putting them at each end. Paul slipped into the seat next to me, and John sat to my right at the end. Oh God... 

“So, what is it? Six fry ups and a pot of tea?” asked George, eyeing up the menu board. The boys all made noises of agreement. “No mushrooms for me though George, I can't stand them,” I told him as he stood up from the table. “Ok Ellie. So that's...” he trailed off, adding up the combined breakfasts, “that's 30 bob for all of us” and we all scrabbled around for money. George scooped up the money from the middle of the table and headed off to order. “I'll help you” called Paul and followed.

“Look at the nose on him, it's more like a beak,“ said John under his breath. We all looked to see where he was looking – he was watching the man serving George – he was quite right. He had a very pronounced nose that ran downward. “That's rich coming from you John” Pete said slyly. John's eyes shot to Pete and narrowed, he looked quite frightening. “Fuck off eh Best?” he growled. I felt sorry for John, which was strange when he teased me whenever he got the chance. “I love your nose John, it's very striking” I offered. He looked up at me with hooded eyes and his mouth twitched at the corners. “You just saying that?” he asked earnestly. I shook my head. 

“No really, I mean it...” I felt a little brave so went one step further, “you're very good looking.”. A hush fell over our table, as John stared me as if he couldn't believe what he'd heard. I almost regretted saying it until he beamed at me, his face softened and the hard facade from before left him for a moment. “Wow, thanks Ellie.” Pete made a “Oooooh” noise, leading John to stick his fingers up at him. He looked a bit embarrassed and scratched at the tabletop. Suddenly he pulled a napkin from the holder in the middle, and whipped a pen out of his jacket. I watched with fascination as he scrawled some kind of sketch over the napkin, looking up every now and then. 

He pulled it out of the way as Paul and George came back to the table, George carrying a tray with a teapot and some cups. “Five minutes he said. Christ I'm starving,” George said as he sat back down. “When aren't you Georgie? You're a human dustbin!” John cackled, folding the napkin up.  
We were soon tucking into a lovely greasy breakfast, and watching George eat was an education. You'd think the boy had never eaten a square meal before, he hardly swallowed his food before he was wolfing down more! John didn't eat much of his breakfast, bar a fried egg and a couple of sausages – he pushed most of it around his plate, he seemed quiet. Paul and Pete were discussing a drum style Paul wanted for a song that night - it started to get a bit heated.

“Pete, all I'm fucking asking is that you speed up the roll after the second verse! Is that so hard?!” Paul nearly shouted.

“I'm the drummer mate. I play, how I play. That should be good enough.” Pete replied quietly. He sat back in his chair, playing with his nails. 

“Yeah well, maybe I don't like your playing...”. Paul got up from the table and headed out the door. I was quite shocked to see him like this – he was normally very calm and happy. Pushing my chair back, I went in search of him – I found him around the back of the van. He looked down as I approached him. “What was that about?” I asked. Paul looked up at me and shrugged his shoulders. “Paul...” I pushed, feeling there was more to it. He sighed and cupped his face in his hands. “Oh I'm just worried about this booking. I want it to go perfectly, if we could make it big in London...”.

I put my arm around his waist. “I understand, but having a go at Pete is not going to help – you want him to drum his best.”. Paul sighed and nodded. He put his arms around me as well and we stood there hugging in the December cold. “Oh you're wonderful” he mumbled into my hair. I didn't reply but just smiled, my face buried in his leather jacket. We walked back inside and Paul went up to Pete.

“Sorry mate, I'm just stressed about later..” and he held out his hand. Pete shrugged and smiled and shook Paul's hand. 

“Well if you girls are done, we should get going again” John quipped. All the boys got up, and I noticed John's napkin. Without thinking I grabbed it and put it in my coat pocket. We all piled into the blue van again. “Right, another game?” asked George as we pulled off, holding up his cards. “Ok!” replied Paul. I sat watching the two of them for a while, enjoying their interactions together, they were so funny, and competitive. I turned away slightly and pulled out John's napkin. Unfolding it, I had to stop myself from laughing out loud – it was a perfect caricature of the man from the cafe, complete with small eyes and beak nose, it was hilarious! I could see another line under the other end of the napkin, so I unfolded that, and was surprised and pleased – John had sketched me, without me knowing it. He'd given me huge eyes and pouty lips – was this how he saw me?

I looked over at John in the front, leaning against the window again. 

This boy absolutely fascinated me.


	10. Chapter 10

After a while of watching Paul and George play cards, I tugged at Paul’s cuff. “How much longer is the journey roughly?” I asked. Paul repeated my question to Terry in the front. “Ah, we've got another four hours at least yet mate” John glanced around at us both, and then turned away again. “Four hours eh? Gives me more time to thrash you Paul – what do you owe me now? 30 bob?” George chuckled evilly. Paul shook his head bemused and pulled me close to him, rubbing my shoulder. I took in his scent again – leather and cigarettes. It was quite comforting. He did make me feel safe and protected when with him. “Are you enjoying yourself?” he asked me, kissing my hair. “Hours and hours in a cold van – best time ever Paul!” I joked. Paul’s eyes creased at the side as he began laughing. “When you put it like that!” I took his hand and squeezed it. “No honestly, I am enjoying myself. I'm looking forward to seeing how the London audience are! I'm sure they’ll feel the same as I did.” George looked up from his card shuffling and straight at me. “How did you feel?” I snuggled deeper into Paul as I remembered a day ago. “Excited, happy. All my cares and worries disappeared whilst listening to you all playing. I felt alive, like there was nothing I couldn't do.” George grinned broadly and continued shuffling the cards, whilst Paul laid his head on mine. He and George began playing again, and I looked out of the windows at the back. Miles and miles of road behind us, and a very bumpy four hours ahead at least! But I couldn't complain, I was able to spend all this time with the boys. And they were very interesting to observe. John was so obviously the leader, and was witty and cutting. Paul, eager to please and kind but wanting to be like John. George was the baby, the butt of a lot of jokes but he took them in good spirits. Pete was the hardest to define, because he had so little to say – and he didn't join in with the banter of the other three – always a little way off, the outsider. Very much like how they were on stage – John, Paul and George the driving force, and Pete at the back, almost out of sight. 

I suddenly remembered something I’d been meaning to ask. “Paul, how did you and John become friends?” I truly was interested, because personality wise they seemed like chalk and cheese yet there appeared to be a close bond there. “How? Well it was four years ago now. John knew my mate Ivan who I was at school with, and Ivan invited me to meet him at the village fete in Woolton that summer, he said his mate’s band were playing. That turned out to be John! I took my guitar with me, and played a bit for him, think I did Twenty Flight Rock…” “He did. And very good you were too son” called John from the front. It was nice to hear John praise Paul, allowing his warmer side to come through. It was definitely there, but he kept it guarded. “Thanks man! Well the next week John asked me through Ivan if I wanted in the group, and that’s how this all started. Georgie joined a little after didn't you?” Paul looked over at him, George was studying his cards carefully, and in fact he almost looked as serious as he did when playing the guitar. “Yeah, after playing Raunchy for John. Strange place for an audition though, the top deck of a bus!” he joked. “Aha but all the greats have played top decks Mr Harrison! You get the hardest audience on a top deck!” John shouted in a silly voice from the front. We were all falling about laughing. John looked smug at his ability to be able to get this reaction out of us, and he winked at me. I had thought that four hours would go very slowly but I'd forgotten who I was with. The time was filled with jokes and stories about their trips to Hamburg – at one point John proudly told me that there were photos of him outside the club they were playing in his underwear, which made me laugh and blush hard at the same time. I didn't doubt that he was telling the truth, as John seemed up for a gag any time. “There's a photo of both John and Paul in their undies!” George chortled as he fiddled with his radio. “Who has it?” asked John. I sat there in a daze, as I allowed the image of John and Paul in their underwear to run riot through my head. It was still strange to me to be feeling this way, when I'd never really thought about boys and sex before, however that was changing fast...

“I think I do. We did have great times there, I remember John playing with a toilet seat round his neck one night, the crowd loved it”. Paul stroked his sideburn as he reminisced. “Do you ever miss it there?” I asked. He turned to me and nodded. “Sometimes yeah. Even though our living conditions were total shit. I mean, four of us in this poxy small room – we were so cramped! And the smell of sweat, and stinky socks every day, it was rank.” George had still been searching through the radio stations as we'd talked. He stopped as he heard Elvis singing “Hound Dog”, his face erupted in a toothy grin again and he started bobbing along. “Yeah, the freedom was brilliant though wasn't it? Could do what we liked, no parents telling us no – it was fucking great..” he echoed.

I tried to imagine the freedom of not being told what to do, or least being responsible for myself – it was very hard. My dad wasn't strict as such but there was a definite “my roof, my rules” attitude with him, although Mum was more relaxed. Admittedly though I'd never honestly desired independence, I'd been happy enough with my quiet life. However after meeting the Beatles, it was becoming an attractive prospect. I didn't like having to lie to my parents about where I was and who I was with – but I had no doubt that a group that dressed as Teds and swore and drank would not go down very well. Once, it wouldn't have been my idea of fun – but these boys were a classic example of not judging a book by its cover. They looked hard yes – but they seemed pretty good hearted boys, it was more an image. They were attractive, funny, and from what I'd seen at the Cavern, very good at what they did. I did smile slightly as I wondered what those girls in the Cavern's loos would say right now, if they could see me cuddled up with Paul, on the way to a show in London! Paul began yawning, and laid his head on my shoulder. “You out then?” asked George, indicating his cards. He yawned once again and handed his cards to me. “Here sweetie, you carry on playing for me. I'm going to have a doze”. I took them and he settled himself on my shoulder, getting comfortable. And so for the next few hours George thrashed me at cards. He was a very canny player, and had a straight face at all times so I couldn't read him! Gentle snores would emanate from Paul every little while, and John looked around at times to see what we were doing. Our eyes met a few times, God this was difficult. How could I go from no boys in my life, to two?! Terry suddenly started talking from the driver's seat. “This is us boys! Aldershot! Thank Christ...” We all cheered and Paul awoke with a start. I couldn't wait to get out and stretch my legs, and have something to eat!


End file.
